Why is it so hard to learn the lessons?
This week the boys started school. The night before, instead of the excitement I had been anticipating for months, I felt stressed and completely freaked out. I got into a fight with my husband over oyster mushrooms. Whether to sauté them solo or put them directly into the dish we were making. For the record, oyster mushrooms must be sautéed solo with slight browning and a hit of sea salt to get the best flavor. Obviously.
I was a pressure cooker of emotions I could not begin to sort through. Just grumpy. The kids asked me if I could put them to sleep instead of dad, and I snapped. No! Just go to bed!!
At the end of the night, my mom chat group was buzzing. Everyone sharing beautiful, intimate moments from the last night before kindergarten. Books they were reading to their children. Sweet rituals. I cannot tell you the shame and guilt I felt scrolling through it. What kind of mother am I?
And here is the pattern I keep noticing. I spiral when I do not meet my own expectations, and when I spiral, I become the most insufferable version of myself. I had expected joy. I expected to feel all the feelings I had been waiting for. Instead I felt lost in a pool of a thousand things I couldn't name, and I unraveled. I cried silently after dropping them off the next morning. They cried loudly watching me leave.
The kicker is, I thought I had already learned this lesson. A few weeks ago I spiraled and self-sabotaged my first video shoot with my husband (I wrote about it here). Afterward, I made myself a promise. Next time I feel the spiral coming, I would catch it. I'd take a walk, breathe, write, dance, something... Anything but turning into an insufferable grumpster.
And then kindergarten arrived and I picked a fight about mushrooms.
We learn the lesson, we feel certain we have it, and then life hands us a new version of the same test in a different disguise. Oyster mushrooms instead of a video shoot. The spiral looks different every time, which is maybe exactly why it's so hard to learn it.
Now that a few days have passed, it is becoming a little clearer how I was actually feeling that night. Something between relief and loss. Between finally and already. It was just my way of not knowing what to do with all of that. Next time, I'll catch you a little sooner, spiral.
With love,
Maria.
First day of school. They cried. I cried. We all survived.