Last week's shoot was, all in all, a success. We came to get packing videos done and left with everything we needed. Our new intern Luna started that day, and while my husband and I shot the packing videos, she worked on creating content for social media. Music played, we all vibed, the work got done.
But the night before was a different story.
I usually plan shoots weeks in advance. This time I had only a few days. My husband's schedule with his other clients is unpredictable, and we did not know when he was available until the last minute. That is when I booked the studio and scrambled to pull everything together. The unpredictability made me feel rushed, unprepared, and completely out of control.
So what did I do? I picked a fight with my husband the night before the shoot. Over something trivial. And even as I was doing it, a voice in my head kept saying: you know you have to work together tomorrow, right? Stop. This is not worth it. I did not listen. I could not explain why. It affected our entire working day and the days that followed.
After the shoot, I had to get really honest with myself. What was that about? Why did I do that? Here I am, finally getting help, finally not doing everything alone, and I tried to blow it up before it even started.
The answer... was self-sabotage.
I was afraid. Afraid that working together would be a disaster. Afraid of handing over control and having it go wrong. So I created the disaster myself, on my own terms, because at least that way I was the one in control of the outcome. It sounds irrational when I write it out. But fear rarely makes sense on paper.
I wonder how many of you have felt this. Procrastination. Perfectionism. The glorification of burnout. Shiny object syndrome. These are not just bad habits. They are symptoms. A subconscious way of avoiding the pressure that comes with scaling up, with stepping into a bigger version of yourself, with having more to lose. The moment things start to matter more is often the moment we find the most creative ways to get in our own way.
Here I am at the junction of trying to grow. And apparently, some part of me is terrified of what that means.
I started this business by putting one foot in front of the other. It was the only strategy that made sense when everything ahead was unknown. Here I am, entering another unknown chapter. So I will do the same thing again. One foot in front of the other. But this time, I will try to let the people who are showing up for me actually show up. Instead of clearing the room before they get a chance.
With love,
Maria
Proof that we made it work despite myself.